Grief...Ugh, Let's Talk About It...

Hello Beautiful People, CC here.

This is the post that I know I've needed to write; but I've not felt ready to write. Even now, I don't want to share my paint; however, I'm being obedient to the Holy Spirit's leading and doing it anyway. Whether you're processing through grief (past, present, or future), I pray that you are blessed by reading what I have to say. *deep sigh* Let's get into it...

I have lost two special family members in less than five months. It hurts...a lot.

-- At the top of this year, my great-uncle passed away in his seventies due to heart complications. You know that old-school uncle whose gruff voice and demeanor belied his caring heart and who knew how to balance cracking jokes with sage wisdom...ya, that was my Uncle.

-- A few weeks ago, my aunt passed away in her fifties after a months-long battle with cancer. You know that kind, considerate aunt who always had time to listen and who was quick-witted with her humor and generous with her heart...ya, that was my Auntie.

Having to describe them in the past-tense is a shock to my system. How can they really be gone? That question swirls around my head intermittently. Gratefully, they both had a personal relationship with Jesus; thus, there's comfort knowing they're in Perfect Peace.

As for us loved ones mourning their respective passings, we are reeling from the devastating blow of their loss of earthly life. Having to process through feelings of loss (and what a loss it has been) is deeply uncomfortable and painful. I'm being forced to confront mortality, that of myself and loved ones; and I would rather not. I don't think it's something that is healthy to dominate my thoughts; but grief has a way of pinning it top of mind. Thoughts of what I could have done differently, what I could have done better have come up. I feel as if I should have cherished them more and valued them more; yet, I'm remind myself that I did honor them while they were alive and make them aware of my love. As my friend told me, they didn't want or need anything more from me except my love. My grief is the proof that they each were dearly loved, cherished, and valued.

I have only had to grieve two other major losses prior to this year: my Grammy (paternal grandmother) and my Granny (maternal great-grandmother). Both of those losses occurred during my teenage years; thus, my emotional capacities were different then. The sadness did linger for a while; but it was more of an intense burst of sadness followed by months of gradual healing. This year, however, the sadness is lingering; and I don't even know if the healing has begun yet. The stabs of realization are sharp; and they morph into a deep, dull ache. After that, the cycle either continues or it's followed by an intermission. Sometimes "the intermission" is feeling numb and other times it's feeling peace. I suppose the growing presence of peace (no matter how faint) means healing is taking place. As my physical chronic illness has taught me, healing is not linear -- it's often a winding road that requires faith, patience, humility, and compassion. This emotional healing journey will probably require the same.

The first step of healing is always going to be acceptance. In order to accept a circumstance, one must face it head-on. When the unpleasant emotions of grief surface, I can feel my heart draw back into a protective state. It takes conscious courage to resist the knee-jerk reaction to shrink away. I have to choose to ride the wave of that emotion, i.e. anger, disappointment, despair, longing, etc. What's amazing is that the "wave" always fades away; and I feel lighter after going through it. The times I've pushed away the feeling has only left me burdened. My advice would be to face the pain and/or suffering as it swells and embrace the peace and healing that follows its' retreat. "This too shall pass" applies to the good and the bad which is why staying present is vitally important.

Leaning on my faith in Jesus has been the cornerstone of healing through grief. At the start, I bristled at how God could allow this misfortune. I still don't understand it; but because I'm not God, I don't need to understand it (even though I really want to). My obedience doesn't require understanding. God is still good because God is still God. He is not a genie that has to bend to my desires (no matter how right they may seem). I submit to Him and His Ways out of trust in His Character, not my changing feelings or changing circumstances. Knowing these truths and actually walking them out has been challenging. The doubt that comes along with grief is real; therefore, it's caused me to dig deeper into The Word and prayer so I can remain rooted in Him. While grief tempts me to drift away from Christ, I choose to anchor myself in the Source of Life. The result of this choice has allowed the Lord to communicate His Love for me in the most tender and intimate of ways. I have had to be open to His Love to receive it; and I praise Him for showering me so lavishly in the midst of pain.

There's so much more to say; but I can only put into words what I've processed through myself. Since I'm at the beginning of this journey, I have a long way to go; yet, I thank God for what He's brought me through thus far. I want to take a moment to offer love, prayer, and compassion to my family members who are more closely affected by these losses. Part of my pain is knowing they are hurting deeply -- I grieve for them. Seeing loved ones in their darkest moments is another layer of grief that I'm still processing. Hmm, that's the takeaway from this entry: I'm processing. And you know what: that's perfectly, beautifully okay.

Please pray me and my family strength...we need it. If you and your family are also traversing the valley of loss, I pray you strength as well.

Painfully yet always Colorfully,

CC

PS: I've been delving into several Bible App plans focusing on grief. These are the ones that have blessed me:

= "Handling Grief" by Vijay Thangiah

= "Hopeful Grief" by Walking in Grace

= "Consider the Lilies" by Clarissa Moll (via Tyndale House Publishers)

My prayer is that reading them will bless you, too. I know it's easy to ignore or neglect your relationship with Jesus during this time; but please choose to lean into Him. He's waiting for you, even now. God Bless.